Listening to Dire Straits’ “Love over Gold” album – 1982!!!! I bought that album in 1982? I get terrified at how fast time has blown past, while I paid absolutely no attention to it all…… leaving me behind, or rather, me refusing to go along with the ride. Fuck. And Laureen’s DEAD! I still can’t get over that. If all things, events and people have a reason – what is her death supposed to mean? That the universe is just a big callous joke?
That was then and this is now and what about now? I am sitting, quite happily, in a dorm room, at Huntington, surrounded by my books and an over-used coffeemaker, contemplating my next moves. Next moves!! That’s ME writing that? I’ve never contemplated a next move in my life. Ah….sobriety. Self-awareness never tasted so good and I’m terrified. I was screwing my life up in those bygone years because I managed not to feel fear – I managed not to feel anything! I couldn’t understand that other people could be hurt by me because I had NO sense of my own pain. Drinking was protection from all the useless pain and loss as a kid of course and I am accepting of all that now. Still…….a future? For me, made by me? Yes little one – now grow up and off you go…..
Do I stay here at Laurentian, finish off this degree, get the MA here and even a PhD? Do I keep trying at Windsor and finish there; doing the MA they have? It’s hard to believe there is much of a future for me in Sudbury – the city of my wasted dreams and colossal mistakes. Or, can I by some fluke follow-up on a couple of job ideas and work for a year? Ha! Options! So, as this all wanders through my head, I just try not to get all tied up in knots and work to accept, breathe and discern…..there are monks who will be staying here next month, maybe I’ll get some insight.
I suppose I should be using this Blog thingy far more often. I have several ideas for columns and articles and cannot get myself organized in my head – although I am rather organized in my small place here – not too small, just, not large. It’s good. If I figure out where the heck I’ll be in a couple of months, I know I can be quite happy in a place like this. Oh yeah – organized – I was saying that I am organized in this space and that is progress.